I’m going to share with you all a personal moment in my life, when I didnt feel so pretty or good enough body wise. Being on social media and comparing myself to the people I saw on there. It was hard not seeing ppl on there that looked like myself. I became self conscious and it showed in my personality towards others. It was after I had my 2nd son. My weight refuse to go down. I didnt know how to deal with it or what to do to fix it. I had only one idea …..starve myself. Yes, I know some of you personal trainers out there probably cringed when you read that but hey I didnt know any better at the time and I really had no one to teach me differently. Starving myself seemed like it was working until my hair started falling out. Oh and I started getting a fever. And don’t get me started on the constant constipation, no energy and I even developed acid. reflux. On top of all of that yall, I ended up gaining more weight. I couldn’t understand what I was doing wrong. No eating = skinny …..right? WRONG !!!!!!
My body was refusing to let go of the food I was eating because it didn’t know when it would get its next meal. Starving myself was having the opposite effect on my body. WTH !!!!???
After a couple of years of this, I realized that I wasn’t helping myself but hurting myself. It wasn’t until I almost put myself into the hospital that I realized that the root of my problems was that I didn’t have any self love.. omg, I didn’t love myself. I didnt need to work on my weight, I needed to work on loving myself. Wow!! That hit me like a ton of bricks. So I shifted my thoughts from being over weight to how do I start loving myself. Which in return helped me to lose weight in the process. I started by researching ways to love yourself.
1st, was accept yourself just as you are, even if your not where you want to be. Now I must be honest, I knew this was going to be a hard one for me.
2nd, I had to stop comparing myself to others. So while I was going through this process, I took a break from social media for awhile.
3rd, I started walking. I used this time to give myself compliments the whole entire walk. Yep, sure did.
4th, I started carrying a gallon of water with me everywhwere i went. Omg water was soooo nasty to me at first but I saw how much water weight I was getting rid of so it started encouraging me to drink more of it.
5th, I stayed off of the scale. The break up was real. Sorry scale but we need to take break from each other for awhile.
6th, I started eating 5 small meals a day. High protein low carb meals.
After awhile of this, I could feel a change in my body and the way that I was feeling about myself.
I begin to realize that there was nothing wrong with my body. It was my mind that needed a diet. I also started to realize that I wasn’t the only one going through this body shame thing. Both men and women feel this way. After more research I realized young girls and boys are experiencing this shame at an early age at an alarming rate.
I knew I had to do something to help people overcome this feeling of self hate but how?
I didnt have the answer back then but when I started photography, I kept running into the same problem with my clients being afraid to do photoshoots because of their ” love handles, stretch marks, big butts, face, or because of their weigh gain as a whole. Thats when the light bulb went off. I noticed how beautiful and confident they felt after doing a boudoir shoot or something a little sexy. I enjoyed seeing the self love they found by looking at themselves in a way that they never did before. I decided that boudoir was a way for me to help, teach and give back all at the same time.
We are all beautiful. Everyone is not suppose to be skinny. Some of us are suppose to be voluptuous queens And teddy bear kings. Who doesn’t still love their favorite teddy bear? Stop being hard on yourselves and show more love and admiration. C’mon look at yourself in the mirror, blow a kiss at yourself and own that shit….
Do you #love yourself? Like really love yourself? If your answer is yes. Let me stop in my tracks and say #congratulations. Its such a beautiful inner feeling. Many people unfortunately never experience that feeling. I realize that now more than ever. Shit, I use to be that person who didn’t love myself as strongly as I should . For some, it began as a child.. With other’s it happend through life’s experiences. Some of us,both male and female are not taught how to love ourselves by our parents or in school. We had to learn these lessons on our own #life #journey. This is the reason why I love doing photography. #Photography is a great self esteem booster. In my line of work, I meet alot of people who are dealing with self image issues, low self esteem, and body shame just to name a few. I like to capture the parts of you that you love about yourself. Both men and women have the same issues about themselves. Some clients like only their eyes. So I capture their eyes in a photograph that they love. Building self esteem has to start somewhere. My hope is to build off the parts of themselves that they love and work our way up to full self love. Seeing yourself in a beautiful light does wonders for a person. I always say, everyone has a story. I just want to be the one who is blessed to share it through my photography.
I am based out of #Columbus #Georgia. I would love to start traveling doing #selfesteem building and #boudoir photoshoots . If your ever in need of a #photoshoot feel free to contact me http://www.tonyadeshawnphotography.com FB: Tonya deshawn IG: TonyaDeshawn
Ok. Ok. Enough of that before I get hyped and start doing some of my best moves ever..
My name is Tonya Deshawn. I live in Columbus Georgia. Its an hour and a half from Atlanta Georgia. I was raised in Brooklyn New York, Brownsville to be exact. A few years ago, I decided to learn the art of photography. I take that back, I didnt decide, it was decided for me lol ( thanks hubby). My husband decided to buy a camera and hand it to me to take his pictures for a video shoot. At that moment, I had no idea what I was doing but after an hour or so, one would have thought I was a pro by the way I was snapping. Which reminds me to tell you, always be open minded how your gifts and talents introduce themselves to you. Sometimes, it happens in the strangest most unexpected ways. Just be open to try new things. Anyways, I decided to go to photography school for 5 months and become certified in Digital photography because I immediately fell in love with it. I started doing photoshoots and getting really good feedback. In March 2020, I decided to rent a small space and launch my very first photography studio all while shaking in my boots might I add. Lol It was a very proud moment for me because for the 1st time in awhile, I didnt allow fear to discouraged me. If you’d like, feel free to check out my portfolio on my website, FB & IG http://www.tonyadeshawnphotography.com
What kind of photography do I take? Boudoir Photography, Engagements, Headshots, Lifestyle, Business, Party Events, and street photography.
Eventually, I will travel all over, only specializing in Boudoir Photography like this.
I finally got my nose pierced and I’m glad I did it. Before you look at this video, just know that I was afraid lolol. I do not like anything that resembles a needle. It might as well have been a sword going through my nose. Lol. I honestly think I reverted back to a 3rd grader while getting this piercing. But enough of that. You’ll get the picture when you watch the video
So, I went to get my nose pierced. I was so excited. Actually my husband treated me to a nose piercing on one of our monthly dates. So after getting the piercing things were looking pretty good. My nose was a little sore but that was pretty much it. Sleeping with a nose piercing proved different for me. It seemed like every time I turned around, I was hitting my nose with my arm or hand. What are the odds of this happening? Well a few days of this first fight with my nose, I started to notice a bump near my piercing. It started getting bigger and bigger. I couldnt take it anymore so I started looking at videos on how to get rid of this ugly bump. I tried the sea salt and hot water, peroxide and I even used ear piercing solution. Nothing worked !!! Oneday I decided to try alcohol on a cotton q-tip and what do you know……..it felt like a miracle. I started to see the bump disappear extremely fast. Within 2days, it was gone. Here’s the how to video https://youtu.be/SAIIU7F5AMQ
Part 2 of surviving R Kelly had me almost speechless. It had me staring into space. In my first post on the subject, I touched on how I felt about all the victims involved including the younger victimized Robert Kelly. After watching the 2nd part of the show, I was left with an upset stomach. I couldn’t understand why this girl still wanted to be in his world after seeing for herself what he was being charge for at the courthouse.
The first thing to come to mind is this man is a malignant Narcissist.
What is narcissistic personality disorder?
It is someone who seems excessively vain or full of themselves. Narcissism doesn’t mean self-love—at least not of a genuine love. It’s more accurate to say that people with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) are in love with an idealized, grandiose image of themselves. And they’re in love with this inflated self-image because it allows them to avoid deep feelings of insecurity.
Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) involves a pattern of self-centered, arrogant thinking and behavior, a lack of empathy and consideration for other people, and an excessive need for admiration. Others often describe people with NPD as cocky, manipulative, selfish, patronizing, and demanding. This way of thinking and behaving surfaces in every area of the narcissist’s life: from work and friendships to family and love relationships.
People with narcissistic personality disorder are extremely resistant to changing their behavior, even when it’s causing them problems. Their tendency is to turn the blame on to others. What’s more, they are extremely sensitive and react badly to even the slightest criticisms, disagreements, or perceived slights, which they view as personal attacks. For the people in the narcissist’s life, it’s often easier just to go along with their demands to avoid the coldness and rages.People with narcissistic personality disorder frequently mistreat, manipulate, or abuse people that are close to them to get what they want. They see nothing wrong with doing so, since they always put themselves first and do not consider the needs of others to be as important as their own. Malignant narcissists have enough polish and charisma to cover their real motivations on most occasions. When their true nature is finally exposed, family members and friends are often shocked and bewildered by what they discover.
Malignant narcissists frequently cause great emotional or physical harm to others, to the point where they may be labeled sociopaths or psychopaths. But ultimately narcissism is their real problem, and without therapeutic intervention their malicious behavior may continue indefinitely. Does any of this sound familiar to you?
My heart goes out to his wife Andrea.
The emotional turmoil that she endured is unimaginable. Sure, she can sit down and talk and try her best to explain it but there are no words. We’ve all been hurt and cheated on before and can relate to the hurt deep in our heart that is indescribable, Right? Well what we went through was nothing compared to the kind of hurt she felt. To this day, you can still see that she is potentially scarred for life. For the 2nd night, I’m sending love and healing to the victims.
While watching the surviving R kelly movement on lifetime, so many different emotions had me gripping the edge of my seat. I listened to these women tell their stories. As I listened, paying extremely close attention to their body language and their eyes, it sadden me. Body language and emotion in the eyes of a person will tell you more than what comes out of their mouth. Let me say that as a woman who was also molested as a child by close individual(s) of my family, my heart goes out to the victims on a personal level. I do believe them. Their was one female in particular that I have reservations about and that was the lady by the name of sparkle.
To me, she has a deviousness about her. I could almost see a small smirk on her face of vindictiveness when she said certain things that most people would probably miss. Dont get me wrong, do I think shes telling the truth about alot of things? Absolutely, I do but I feel their might be some fabrication added for get back purposes. Could I be completely inaccurate? Absolutely. It’s just an observation. So dont beat me up about it. Now, to the part that alot people might want to beat me up about… there is a part of me that also hurt for the 6-14 year old Robert kelly who was also molested “allegedly” by his own sister and did the exact same thing to him and his younger brother that he did to these girls. That’s enough to create a mentally ill monster. Yes, I think rkelly is mentally ill. I feel, after any type of molestation occurs, one of two things will happen. 1. The victim grows up and become that same type of monster. 2. The victim grows up and become extremely overprotective of themselves and others. Living in fear that something bad is going to happen. Living in constant panic mode with their guard always up. Not trusting anybody or anything. To this day, I function like number 2. I am still today overprotective over my kids. Growing up they never knew why lol they just thought I was too overprotective. It affects you really bad mentally. It doesn’t matter how much you try to normalize your life. It’s always a part of you. I tried to tell an immediate family member after building up the courage but in return, my accusation was shot down. The person I confided in didn’t believe me or take me seriously. Which made me angry inside. I am bringing this up because I understand how hard it can be to be scared to tell someone. For the ones that do tell and nobody believes you like rkellys brother said he did, makes you feel like, well if they dont believe me, nobody will. To this day I live my life “on guard”. Do I Condone robert Kelly’s behavior? Absolutely Not! If someone does something to you that is bad, you naturally know that it’s bad. So if you know how wrong it is or was when it was done to you, why would do that to someone else so that they can experience the pain that you did. I see alot of victims here including Robert kelly “the child”. Let’s also be clear here, this molesting shit is also happening to boys!!! Boys that are growing up to be husbands and fathers. Living with this hurt and pain too. Let’s talk about that as well. Just because they are men does not mean they shouldn’t speak up or get help. There are married men with real families that are living in secret with something that happens to them as children and feel that they will be looked down upon if they talk about it. Pain is pain people. I would like to send love and healing to the victims of this particular story.
I will be posting a response to each episode of surviving R kelly.
Stay tuned and please share this and have open discussion about this huge silenced topic.